Waste Another Dream on You
by VividMind
Summary: Raj is in love with Howard. Howard usually just rolls with it, but when Raj makes a social faux-pas, things get messy. Secrets are revealed, and feelings are hurt.
1. Chapter 1: Away From Here

A/N: So my brain coerced me into writing a story that will separated into actual chapters. That I actually need to continue writing. Thanks brain, thanks a lot. So, um, yeah, the chapters are going to be fairly short as I honestly don't have much time to write. I hope to eventually (pleasebesoonpleasebesoon) wrap this up into a neat little finale, but it is still a WIP, so we'll see how this goes. This actually started as what was going to be an uber-fluffy happytimez crackfic...but soon was twisted into something much darker. And, of course, as always, these darling little characters don't belong to me...*sigh*

Warnings: For now this story is only T because it isn't all that bad, but coarse language will be used in future chapters. Eventually, explicit sexual situations may occur. But I don't know. So whatever.

***If anyone guesses where I am getting the title/chapter names from, you win my love forever. Forever.***

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**Waste Another Dream on You**

**Chapter 1: Away From Here**

"Yes, yes, you are delicious caramel too, Raj," Howard sighed as his silent friend looked at him expectantly.

Raj smiled and squiggled his shoulders in a kind of happy dance. He loved it when his best friend said such delightful things about him. But as Howard turn away and continued with the after-dinner conversation, Raj's spirits fell. Howard was talking about women again. Not that there was anything wrong with talking about women – he found himself doing that often as well – it was just the look that Howard got in his eyes when he spoke of them. It was like he was speaking of the most holy thing in the universe. It was a more intense look than the one he got while tinkering with his robots, or reading his favourite comic book. Raj snapped abruptly out of his daydreams when he realized that the room had suddenly fallen silent. Everyone was staring at him.

"Raj?" Leonard asked suspiciously, "Are you…okay?"

He realized that he had been staring not so discreetly at Howard for the past 5 minutes – quite possibly without even blinking. Howard had a strange expression on his face, much like he had just tasted something awful and was trying not to spit it out.

"I believe I would be correct in assuming that –"

"Sheldon, shush," Leonard interrupted, "Let me handle this. Raj, are you –"

"Seriously dude, what's your problem?" Howard butted in, getting the final word.

"Ugh, errr, ehhh–" Raj tried to come up with an appropriate answer – a good defence – but with Penny is the room he could only squeak awkwardly. He looked at her pleadingly, hoping she would stay as his excuse to remain silent. Unfortunately she misinterpreted the look on his face.

"Alright boys," she stood up and announced, "I'm out of here. Mr. Spacey needs to say something, apparently."

All eyes were on Raj as Penny quickly exited the apartment. His pulse quickened. He didn't know what to say or how to explain himself. He needed to get away from here, quickly. As the three sets of eyes bored into him, he began to sweat. He couldn't just admit that he was thinking that deeply about Howard, but he was so frazzled that he couldn't think of any other excuse.

"I – uh – I" Raj racked his brains, "I have diarrhea!"

And with that awkward avoidance, he ran frantically to the bathroom, leaving the other men more than confused. Sheldon just shook his head, muttered something about the new Chinese restaurant, and went off in search of Imodium for the poor man. This left Leonard and Howard sitting in an awkward silence.

"So, um, wow," Howard began, "He totally wigged out. What do you think that was about?"

"Well, he _was _staring at you," Leonard hinted.

"Is there something really gross happening on my face right now? Because I think I would like to know about it please." Howard steered the conversation frantically.

Leonard just buried his face in his hands. Howard just didn't get it. Or did he? Maybe he was avoiding it…but why? Leonard knew that Raj obviously had a huge crush on Howard; it had been obvious from day one. He had even talked to Penny about it, and she agreed. Obviously Sheldon, being Sheldon, saw nothing of the sort happening, but Leonard just knew it.

"Look," he fibbed, "I have to go out…uh…to the store. Why don't you hang around and make sure Raj is okay."

Howard grimaced, but reluctantly agreed. He could use this opportunity to watch some of Leonard's "special" DVDs that no one was supposed to touch. Sheldon wandered out of the hallway with a sombre look on his face.

"Unfortunately, it seems that I used up the last of the Imodium last time we had Chinese food from this same restaurant. I _told _you–"

"Okay-great-I'll-drive-you-to-the-store" Leonard hastily interrupted as he heard the toilet flush from the bathroom, "Lets go, go, go!"

"But Leonard, it is only approximately 291 degrees Kelvin! I'll catch a cold if I don't wear my jacket."

"No. Out, now," Leonard prodded and pushed Sheldon out the door.

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So there you are folks, chapter one is over. Wonder what will happen when Howard and Raj are left alone together in the apartment? Tune in next time* to find out!

*"next time" is an undisclosed hour on an undisclosed day.


	2. Chapter 2: Uncommon Reaction

A/N: Chapter 2...woooo! Yeah, this isn't any indication of how often I am going to be putting out another chapter...I already had this one written when I posted the first chapter. It is in this chapter that my twisted mind first started to distort my happy little fluff into dark, angry things. Damn you brain, damn you!

Warnings:I kept this chapter as "T" because there is only one instance of the "F word" and really no sexual content...But please, do tell me if you think that the one swear warrants a higher rating, I just don't know about these things.

***If anyone guesses where I am getting the title/chapter names from, you win my love forever. Forever.***

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**Chapter 2: (Un)common Reaction**

As they walked away, Howard could hear Sheldon berating and blaming Leonard for the life-threatening disease that he was sure to contract on their outing. He smiled faintly at their endearing banter. Sometimes he wished he and Raj could be like that…only without one of them being as annoying as Sheldon. It seemed like every time he got close to Raj, he would freak out and run away. It was really weighing down on Howard.

In the bathroom, Raj was freaking out like mad. _What am I going to do!_ he wondered helplessly. It wasn't like he could exactly slip out the back door, meaning that he couldn't just leave and never talk to his friends again. He would have to walk right past them all to leave. But he couldn't, he just couldn't. By this point they had probably already figured out that he had a creepy crush on Howard.

He reached over and closed the lid of the toilet, and the flopped down on it. He had to think of a plan. As he became aware of the sounds around him, he realized that he couldn't hear Sheldon or Leonard arguing anymore. _Does that mean they left!_ He nearly jumped in joy. But then he heard a familiar cough. _Crap, _he thought, _Howard is still here_.

Back in the living room, Howard was thoroughly bored, and a tad hungry. The other men never gave him a big enough portion of Chinese food, stating that he was the smallest, and therefore didn't require as much nutrition. Actually, that was mostly just Sheldon who said that, but no one dared argue with Sheldon about his Mu Shu Pork. As his stomach rumbled, Howard decided to snoop through Leonard and Sheldon's kitchen to see if they had anything good.

He was bending down, shuffling through the lowest contents of the fridge when he suddenly heard a noise from the hallway. He quickly turned around and straightened up, only to see a very sheepish looking Raj wielding the largest toilet plunger he had ever seen.

"Raj!" he exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I – uh – I was planning…on knocking you out with this and then running away," Raj wouldn't meet Howard's eyes.

"Um…why?" Howard asked, obviously confused.

"Because…because…" Raj decided to just spit it out, unsure of what Howard's reaction would be, "Because ever since that time we hugged it has been really awkward between us and I haven't been able to stop thinking about the way your body felt against mine and I just want it to happen again but I can't because I don't know how to even start telling you how I feel and you are the most beautiful man I've ever met and I hate myself so much right now and the _sexual tension has been killing me_!"

Howard just stared at Raj, his eyes getting bigger and bigger as Raj's voice got higher and higher. He honestly was at a loss for words. How could Raj feel this way about him? They were best friends, for god's sake. This would ruin everything.

"Fuck you, man," was all he could get out.

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So there you are folks, chapter two is now complete. Wonder what what Howard means by his response to Raj? Tune in next time* to find out!

*"next time" may or may not be soon. I could be sucked into a black hole and post the next chapter 70 years in the past for all I know!


	3. Chapter 3: Wait Another Day

A/N: I apologize for how long it took me to get this chapter up; I've been very busy lately with preparing to go back to school. And...I'm so sorry for Howard's reaction. I didn't mean to write it this way, I SWEAR! I'll try to make a happy ending, I promise I'll try. I feel bad torturing poor Raj.

Warnings: Okay, this chapter is rated M due to hateful language on Howard's part, and somewhat disturbing content from Howard's past.

***If anyone guesses where I am getting the title/chapter names from, you win my love forever. Forever.***

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**Chapter 3: Wait Another Day**

"Wh-what?" Raj's face paled. He hadn't expected Howard to react this badly.

"Seriously, thanks a fucking lot." Howard spit out, getting angrier and angrier, "Way to fuck up our friendship. I honestly thought you cared about me…as a friend, not some fucked up pervert who probably watches me in the shower. Great, now I have another dirty faggot in my life. Never. Touch. Me. Again."

Raj just stood there shaking as Howard stalked towards the door. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! He wanted to stop him, he needed to touch him just one last time, to convince him to stay with Raj. Tears began to flow from Raj's eyes as he took off after Howard.

"Wait," he yelled as he pulled at Howard's arms, "Please, just wait!"

Howard stopped and whipped around to face him.

"What do you want now, pussy?" he spat out like acid, face red.

Raj wrapped his arms tightly around the other man. It was his best attempt to win him over. Howard pushed him off with all his might, and then punched him square in the jaw. Raj tumbled backwards in surprise, hitting the ground with a thump. His tailbone hurt like a bitch and his lip was split and bleeding profusely into his mouth. He leaned over and spit it out. Raj wanted to give up, and just crawl home in shame. But then he looked up at Howard. His eyes were glistening, and he looked like he would rather be in the grave than standing here. Raj braced himself slowly and stood up. His head was still spinning from the punch. Howard was stronger than he looked. Raj took a step towards Howard. Howard looked at Raj with eyes that were filled with some very strong emotion, possibly guilt.

"N-no," Howard whimpered, "Please, just…just go away."

"No," said Raj with a renewed passion, "Just tell me why."

"I…can't," muttered Howard as the tears began to fall.

Raj once again wrapped his arms around the other man, but this time Howard buried his face in Raj's neck instead of pushing him away. As Howard quietly sobbed, Raj rubbed his back gently. After having held Howard for quite a few minutes, Raj began to feel the impact of the injuries that had been inflicted on him. Blood from his lip was dripping on to Howard's back. He led Howard over to the couch and sat him down before walking slowly over to the freezer. Raj didn't want Howard to feel too guilty about punching him. That could wait. He opened the door and pulled out a freezer pack for his jaw. Before walking back to the couch he also grabbed some tissues to try to stop the bleeding from his lip.

He limped awkwardly back to the couch with his belongings, and began to tend to his own injuries. He balled up the tissue and began to gently prod at the split in his lip. He winced as it throbbed painfully. Howard reached over hesitantly to grab the ice pack. He lifted it gently to Raj's rapidly swelling jaw, almost as a sort of peace offering. Raj looked at him thankfully. They sat like that for a few long minutes, until Raj broke the silence. He had to know why Howard had reacted that way.

"Please," he said gently but firmly, "Just tell me why."

Howard drew the icepack away from Raj's jaw and set it in his lap. He studied it intensely. Finally he spoke:

"It…it was when I was a kid," he began hesitantly, "I was at Hebrew school, and he was the rabbi."

Raj gasped, startled at Howard's implications.

"You mean…he…? How far did he…you know?"

"He took every part of me that he could get his filthy dick into."

With this confession, Howard couldn't help but break down into tears again. Raj set aside the ball of bloody tissues and took Howard completely into his arms. He pet his hair gently as he asked one last question.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

Howard lifted his head to look straight into Raj's eyes. Raj thought his heart would melt at the swirling mess of emotions he saw in them. He grabbed Howard's hand in encouragement. Howard flinched. Raj looked away. He knew that it would take time for Howard to answer his question. And somehow, sitting here with Howard in his arms, he was fine with that. It could wait another day.

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So there you are folks, chapter three! Wonder why Howard didn't tell anyone about what happened to him, or why Raj is so forgiving of his douchey moves? Tune in next time* to find out!

*there will totally probably maybe be a "next time." Heh.


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